A Hero Happens
by Arenas
Summary: Just don't ask. It's what happens when one feels that the series would be that much cooler if it had superheroes in it. More chapters may be coming with favorable reviews.


A Hero Happens

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The snow fell in big, fluffy flakes outside the dormitory window. In late October, this wasn't the perplexing thing as much as that it hadn't stopped snowing since September the first. The snow was already more than half way up the castle walls. This sort of weather phenomena didn't happen often at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This was, understandably so, a startling discovery for one to make so early in the morning. Harry's mood went from sleepily blissful to painfully disappointed. He smooshed his face his face up against the magic, no-fog window and almost cried. Today was the first day of Quidditch practice and Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, was now thoroughly pissed.

He glared at the snow. The snow glared back. Harry's eyebrow raised at the reaction. He glared at the falling snow again. The snow did likewise. It quickly degenerated into a staring contest that the snow won easily. It was a well-known fact that snow had the coldest stare in the world behind liquid nitrogen and Professor Severus Snape. That was why the Hogwarts dungeons were always so frigid. Harry stuck his tongue out at the snow in disgust. The snow did too.

"How'd it do that?" Harry wondered aloud.

"How'd what do what?" Ron asked from his four-poster bed.

"Nothing," Harry quickly replied.

"Computer animation," the snow answered.

"What?" Harry yelped.

"Huh?" Ron grunted.

"Computer animation," the snow said again.

"Computer animation," Harry relayed to Ron.

"Oh. Okay," Ron nodded.

"What is computer animation?" Harry asked. (A/N I don't know how popular computer animation was in 1995, but can you expect wizards to know what it is, anyway?)

"Beats me. Why'd you say in the first place?" Ron shrugged.

"I dunno," Harry scratched his head.

"Computer animation is computer generated pictures that move," the snow said.

"Gotcha'," Harry nodded.

"Got who?" Ron asked.

"The snow," Harry answered.

"What about it?" Ron cocked his head.

"It told me what computer animation was," Harry replied.

"Oh. Okay- whoa wait… Harry, how many acid pops did you have last night?" Ron furrowed his brow.

"Only one, why?" Harry asked.

"'Cos snow can't talk, Harry," Ron answered matter-of-factly.

"But this stuff did!" Harry protested.

"Are you sure you don't feel sick or need to go see Madam Pomfrey?" Ron asked seriously.

"No! The snow talked to me!" Harry sputtered.

"Right… I think I'm going to get dressed and go to breakfast," Ron shrugged. Harry sighed. Why did nobody ever believe him? Who said there were voices in the walls their second year? Harry. Wouldn't you know it; there was a basilisk in the school. Who said the Mirror of Erised was an important plot device? Harry. The Sorcerer's Stone dropped into Harry's pocket because he saw it in the mirror but didn't want to use it. Who said the toilets were going to eat them in their sleep? Well… that one never actually happened, but nobody said two out of three was bad.

Harry went down to breakfast rather forlornly. He didn't like the idea of flying in a blizzard (which this storm certainly qualified to be), even with his trusty Firebolt, Betty (Harry's secret name for his beloved broom). But practice wasn't going to be suspended for this. The Gryffindor Quidditch team had flown in worse stuff.

The way to the team changing rooms was completely blocked and it required a heavy-duty fire spell to melt enough of it to get to the door. Changing quickly in the freezing room with teeth chattering, the team tried to leave again with their brooms on their backs, but the door was shut tight. 5 minutes later, they broke through the ice barrier and could finally start to practice. This found the Boy Who Lived fighting against the suffocating snow. As he was the team captain (who didn't see this coming?), he called the session short and he and Ron went down to Hagrid's hut as was customary when strange things were amiss. By sheer coincidence, they met Hermione on the way so they all went together.

"Hiya, Harry! How ya' doin'?" Hagrid beamed.

"Okay, thanks Hagid. I was wondering if you had any super secret information about the snow outsidethat I'm not supposed to know," Harry replied.

"We're just here because Harry is," Ron said.

"Don't put the coffee on, can't stay long," Hermione sang.

"Now why do yer always ask me stuff I'm not supposed ter answer? What snow? There's nothing strange about the snow except that You Know Who is in the Arctic trying to turn the world into another Ice Age to kill everybody. Whoops, I wasn't supposed ter tell you that," Hagrid shrugged his massive shoulders and rolled his eyes.

"Don't worry, your information will lead us into plenty of tight spots, bad breaks and dangerous creatures to last the chapter. Thanks, Hagrid," Harry smiled.

Thus, the intrepid trio found themselves travelling to the Arctic stowed aboard an invisible, flying car (who cares how they got there, just so long as stuff starts happening?). Upon landing, Harry, Ron and Hermione went on a quest to the North Pole to find the evil Lord Volde-… You Know Who. All of a sudden, Ron fell into the ice and nearly froze to death. Luckily, Hermione conjured up a fire and blankets with only a toothpick, candy wrapper and her wand, so Ron lived. Harry quickly ditched them as they were wearing on his coolness and Harry knew that those infamous final confrontations never happened with sidekicks at the hero's side. They were just there as witnesses. A sudden _pop alerted Harry to a new, rather annoying presence._

"Harry Potter is in danger. Harry Potter must put his head between his knees and kiss his butt goodbye!" Dobby the house elf shouted.

"Shut up and go away, Dobby! You're ruining my sexy snowshoeing scene!" Harry growled and shoved the elf into a snow bank.

"Fee fie foe fum, who disturbs me from my diabolical scheme?"

"'Tis I, Harry Potter!"

"Damn, you again? Don't you ever die or give up and go away?"

"Who are you?"

"It's me you twit! Voldemort. But I've decided to be a super villain now because super villains are cooler than washed up, half dead dark wizards. From now on, I am to be called… The Riddler!"

"But… the Riddler's already taken. He's on Batman."

"Oh… What about the Green Goblin?"

"Spiderman."

"How about Superman?"

"Superman was a good guy."

"Did I say Superman? No, I most definitely said 'Steve'."

"I heard Superman."

"That's 'cuz you got rabbits in your ears. I said Steve!"

"So. Your name is Steve?"

"Yes!"

"Right…"

"It is!"

"Well… If you get a cool name… I should get one too!"

"No!"

"Yes! How's the Firebolt sound?"

"Stupid."

"Yeah… The Boy Who  Lived?"

"Lame. You are definitely a Harry the Potter."

"Huh?"

"You should call yourself Harry the Potter."

"Okay."

"Then let's fight to your death!"

"That sounds like fun."

"Yes, especially when I finally kill you, ha ha!"

"Quick, look behind you!"

"Where?"

As Steve, a.k.a. Voldemort turned to look, Harry unleashed his special attack. He shot his hands forward in a move stolen from the American television show, 'The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers'."Shooting Clay of Death!" Harry screamed as he threw a great wad of Sculpey clay at Steve, hitting him in the back of the head. The force of the impact caused Steve's tongue to shoot out of his mouth as he fell forward and it stuck to a convenient patch of ice. Steve didn't dare try to pull his head up. It hurts a great deal if you rip the skin off your tongue, as any good super villain should know. Harry quickly dispatched the giant snow machine just as Ron and Hermione came running up.

"Harry! Harry! You beat You Know Who again!" Hermione cried.

"Who?"

"That guy with his tongue stuck in the ice," Ron pointed, miraculously healed with only a few heroic scratches on his face.

"Oh, you mean Steve."

"Who?"

"Steve."

"Who's Steve?"

"That guy."

"That's You Know Who."

"Steve."

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

And so Dumbledore showed up on Buckbeak the hippogriff's back to bring the students back to school. Instead of expelling them as he should like any sensible headmaster who finds his students ran away to the Arctic to fight an evil super villain named Steve, Dumbledore rewarded them with a bazillion points each and a new kitchen set as seen on 'The Price is Right'. The year isn't over yet, but we find Gryffindor house up by 3 bazillion house points, will they win the House cup 4 years in a row? Tune in next time to the adventures of Harry the Potter and Steve.


End file.
